At night I sit and think about how great life is and then the stress of the diabetes.. i recently changed my behavior because i never went to school i did bad stuff didn’t care about life just went with the flow a bad flow. And then this year i have been to school every day, no absences good grades started wrestling, friends and peers have seen how much I’m trying and are proud, I’m proud. But then i realize everything is going good I’m very motivated at school and sports and motivated about how great i want my future to be, I want to work AND Succeed, have a family nice home everything a good future would look like...but then at night when every body is sleeping waiting to wakeup and see what the day brings them I’m thinking I have type one diabetes I’m doing good at what I should be doing like, school but i think im stuck in this fantasy life of thinking I’m a normal person without diabetes and I just remembered i have not been taking care of my self i don’t even check my blood sugar i eat whenever I want then my blood get high and i just randomly take insulin to bring it down but the not right amount then it get low and ill eat to much to get it up. My mom is always watching me asking if I’m taking care of myself, i say yea i tell her I’m doing good, she wakes me up everyday before she goes to work and wakes me up to see if im ok, i get annoyed of it but i know she does it because she loves and cares for me she’s a great parent she’s doing her part but i haven’t been doing mine. I put so much motivation into school and sports but i can’t put that motivation into taking care of myself.im 15 dreaming big but i now realize my big dream aren’t going to happen if i don’t take care of my self. this past weekend i wrestled bad because of not eating to lose weight but you cant do that when you have diabetes but i did the result embarrassment shame disappointment, i told my couch i was fine i just needed to eat but i went back to think oh I’m okay but then it kept happening . the embarrassments is all the people watching me wrestle and having to stop the match to drink a soda then lose the match, i overhead a group of kids making fun of me and laughing, i was so pissed, i said to myself i wont let this ruin all the great stuff i have been doing , like I’m doing good at school i don’t want to get into trouble. i need to quit being a pussy? is what others would see it as but they don’t know i have diabetes. they don’t know I’m not taking care of myself, but that shouldn’t be stopping me because i know there is a bunch of other athletes who have diabetes and succeed and they don’t let there diabetes beat them, they beat it. Where’s my motivation at? i know for a fact i can easily take of my diabetes and be perfectly fine. But why haven’t i been doing so? I don’t know, maybe ive been so focused on succeeding in school i forgot that i had to take of myself. Of course when i me sick i know its there and i take the necessary actions but the point is I’m not doing it all right. i told my mom to cancel my doctors appointment in Vegas just because it was on a Monday and i didn’t want to mess up my perfect attendance and now i don’t have an appointed for three months but i could request one. we have to drive three hours to las Vegas to see the doctor, she’s a great doctor very professional. I guess my point is where’s my motivation i know i have it but i haven’t put to action, I’m sitting here stressing myself about it and why? i don’t know. this is life and some of its struggles. help me.