At night I sit and think about how great life is and then
the stress of the diabetes.. i recently changed my behavior because i never
went to school i did bad stuff didn’t care about life just went with the flow a
bad flow. And then this year i have been to school every day, no absences good
grades started wrestling, friends and peers have seen how much I’m trying and
are proud, I’m proud. But then i realize everything is going good I’m very
motivated at school and sports and motivated about how great i want my future
to be, I want to work AND Succeed, have a family nice home everything a good
future would look like...but then at night when every body is sleeping waiting
to wakeup and see what the day brings them I’m thinking I have type one
diabetes I’m doing good at what I should be doing like, school but i think im
stuck in this fantasy life of thinking I’m a normal person without diabetes and
I just remembered i have not been taking care of my self i don’t even check my
blood sugar i eat whenever I want then my blood get high and i just randomly
take insulin to bring it down but the not right amount then it get low and ill
eat to much to get it up. My mom is always watching me asking if I’m taking
care of myself, i say yea i tell her I’m doing good, she wakes me up everyday
before she goes to work and wakes me up to see if im ok, i get annoyed of it
but i know she does it because she loves and cares for me she’s a great parent she’s
doing her part but i haven’t been doing mine. I put so much motivation into
school and sports but i can’t put that motivation into taking care of myself.im
15 dreaming big but i now realize my big dream aren’t going to happen if i don’t
take care of my self. this past weekend i wrestled bad because of not eating to
lose weight but you cant do that when you have diabetes but i did the result embarrassment
shame disappointment, i told my couch i was fine i just needed to eat but i
went back to think oh I’m okay but then it kept happening . the embarrassments
is all the people watching me wrestle and having to stop the match to drink a
soda then lose the match, i overhead a group of kids making fun of me and
laughing, i was so pissed, i said to myself i wont let this ruin all the great
stuff i have been doing , like I’m doing good at school i don’t want to get
into trouble. i need to quit being a pussy? is what others would see it as but
they don’t know i have diabetes. they don’t know I’m not taking care of myself,
but that shouldn’t be stopping me because i know there is a bunch of other
athletes who have diabetes and succeed and they don’t let there diabetes beat
them, they beat it. Where’s my motivation at? i know for a fact i can easily
take of my diabetes and be perfectly fine. But why haven’t i been doing so? I don’t
know, maybe ive been so focused on succeeding in school i forgot that i had to
take of myself. Of course when i me sick i know its there and i take the necessary
actions but the point is I’m not doing it all right. i told my mom to cancel my
doctors appointment in Vegas just because it was on a Monday and i didn’t want
to mess up my perfect attendance and now i don’t have an appointed for three
months but i could request one. we have to drive three hours to las Vegas to
see the doctor, she’s a great doctor very professional. I guess my point is where’s
my motivation i know i have it but i haven’t put to action, I’m sitting here
stressing myself about it and why? i don’t know. this is life and some of its
struggles. help me.
Hi Junior,
ReplyDeleteI was very moved reading this post. I am a 32 year old type 1 diabetic man, and I've had diabetes since I was 9. I wrestled in school and also struggled A LOT with how to take care of my body. I'd go without testing, eating what I wanted, and would wait until my mouth got so dry and I felt so sluggish that I would know I was high. Then I would take a crazy amount of insulin and get low. Then I would eat too much and get high... Just like you described. At one point, when I was about 15, I just stopped taking insulin altogether for about 3 days. By day 3, I got really sick and was terrified.
The reason I'm saying this is to let you know that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself about your diabetes care. Of course it would be better for you to test more, eat more conscientiously, etc., but I think it's also natural to rebel a little bit. Being a diabetic is hard work. You're constantly aware of your blood sugar (even if you're not testing) like no one else is, and it's a very solitary experience. Being a diabetic and a teenager is VERY hard. Being a teenager is all about developing independent opinions and desires, but the reality is that you're not independent of your parents'/schools'/society's rules, and that creates tension. Most teenagers I know rebel against the biggest source(s) of that tension. I sure did. But although you can carve out a little bit of space away from school/parents/society, you can never, ever, get away from your diabetes. For me, diabetes was the thing I really wanted to be independent of but never could be. So I rebelled against it with gusto. What else could I do?
But parents forgive when you rebel against them, diabetes does not. I woke up in ambulances, after having a seizure from low blood sugar, more times than I'd like to recall. So while I think it's natural to want to pretend we don't have diabetes, I also think we have to constantly accept the reality of it, deal with it, and even affirm it. It took me a long, long time to realize this, but it gets easier when you let people into the world of your diabetes. Pick your best friend, and start sharing your blood sugars with him/her when you test around that person. Talk about why you're doing what your doing. Make him/her a part of how you care for yourself. That kind of thing really helped make being diabetic so much easier for me, maybe it will help for you. Diabetes has some perks, too. It forces you to be healthier than most of your peers, and it also makes you a more sensitive and introspective person, which you clearly are based on your post.
I'm not sure if this is at all helpful, and I'm afraid my comment is now longer than your original post. So, I'll wrap it up with a last little piece of (un-asked-for) advice. There's this ideal we all have in our heads of what a good diabetic would look like. Testing regularly, logging the results, weighing the food precisely, exercising every day, etc., etc.. But NONE of us ever achieve that ideal at all times. We all fall short. That's OK. The problem is that when we fall short at breakfast, a lot of us just assume the whole day is shot, and then we behave as un-idealy as possible. Instead, we should trick ourselves into being a little bit more forgetful. By lunch, we should forget whether or not we reached that ideal at breakfast. Every time you test, you are an ideal diabetic in that moment alone. Every time you manage to take a shot/bolus before a meal, you are the perfect image of a diabetic. The goal is to expand those ideal moments. The less-than ideal moments don't matter.
Maybe this is shitty advice? I'm just starting to blog, so there will be more shitty advice coming soon! Check it out if you want. Also, I'd love to know what you think about this or other aspects of diabetes & life. If you ever want to blow off steam, feel free to get in touch. You're not alone.
Ben
http://itgoesthroughme.blogspot.com/
man this means alot! didnt think no one would relate. sorry i didnt read this sooner, but i agree with being a rebel i admit to that. i still strugle to check my blood when im suppose i mean im so busy but that not really the reason ha im think im just a rebel and hate this so much, but i do get the fact that i have to deal with it and live with it but getting under control is hard.ive also woken up in ambulaces shit sucks! one i was skating with a friend and my blood got low and i didnt have any of my stuff nor did i have a snack or money to but one, i just had a seizsure on the sidewalk and woke up in the ambulance IT SUCKED. wrestling is over now so im doing track but i still have the same problems i get short breathed fast i can run short distances but not long distance so i decided to pole vault because it doesnt exceed the limits if you know what i mean this might the best sport i actaully able to do but still like today i got so pissed because since i couldnt run a mile because my blood got low people were there to judge i hate that the most when peole do that it ruins my wholeday i go into like a strees mode but then im fine again but i will happen again. i wished peole knew what type one diabeates was they think i cant eat anything now with insulin i can.anyways i wanted to ask hows a pump i want one but i dont want people seeing it and then what will i do for sports? and also your comment is help i hope to hear soon. it makes me happy to actually relate and talk about it rather then being in reality and being alone were no one understands but like i said i know how to take of myself i know alot about diabeates im not any teenager im actaully kinda smart and many people dont seem to think so maybe because of the way i look? i dont know. i like seeing everybodys point of view on a situation it makes you more understanding i dont like judging, im actaully sensitive but people dont see it i like looking atthe ltest new on anything for example yahoo gives alot of news its cool and i love technology all see things i do and like people dont know they just know me at school.so many things to say but ill save it for later ha talk to you soon thanks for your advice,ccomment,help.
ReplyDeleteHey Junior,
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad I could relate!
What do the other people at your school say or do to make you think they're judging? I'm not saying that they're not judging, but I do remember that what I thought was judgment when I was in school turned out to be curiosity and misunderstanding. Most people don't know what type 1 diabetes is at all, and a lot have all kinds of misconceptions about it. If you have to stop running because you get low, for example, they might look at you because you're doing something different and they want to know why or what's going on. But, I doubt they're judging you.
Unless they're actually saying stuff or doing things that are meant to be hurtful. That happened to me in junior high a bit, but not much. I remember one kid ran up to me and called me "diabetes man" and then ran away. Another time, at the end of the wrestling season, our team had a banquet and gave out awards (the guts award, most improved, best haircut, worst haircut, etc.). Each award came with a poster that the captains of the team made. One year, I got some award (I think it was best haircut, actually), and the poster had a picture of me (and my haircut) running toward a giant hershey's bar. I was so pissed at the time, but, you know, fuck 'em.
And that's maybe my point. Of the judgers, you should educate the ones that just want to know what's going on with you, because they're the people who will make good friends. And the others, well, fuck 'em.
I have a love-hate relationship with my pump, but at the end of the day, I think it's probably the most important thing I own. It's really part of my body, and I'm incredibly grateful for it. It's such a good way, for me, to manage my diabetes. The CGM thing, is also hugely important for avoiding lows and highs. You can get CGM with or without a pump, and I kind of strongly recommend it. It can be finicky and inaccurate, so you have to be careful to verify lows and highs with finger testing (until the technology gets better), but all in all it's great. Especially if you're not into testing all the time.
The pump isn't a problem for sports, I think. You can easily wear it during track & field; there are arm and leg bands, like what you'd keep an iPod in. For wrestling, you might want to take it off so you don't land on it, but you can unfasten the tubing from your body super-easily, and just take it off during a match. It's fine to go without it for a while, especially if you're working out. Most pump companies will let you try their pump for a week or two before you decide. Ask your doctor, maybe. A little bit of the tube might show sometimes, but, you know, whatever.
Hope that helps! Stay strong! Keep writing! Consider the comma! ;-)
Ben
haha yeah ur definetley right about judging, maybe i like to over react a little but whatever and now im like fuck em like you said haha but im considering trying the pump!.but you now what lifes preety good for having diabeates you know.but any ways thanks again. i know my other comments spelling sucked! but o well keep writing man hope to hear from you soon!
ReplyDelete